UKRAINE'S ORANGE BLUES - LATEST FROM WIKILEAKS: THE YANUKOVYCH-SANTA CLAUS CORRESPONDENCE

30.12.10


WORLD AFFAIRS:

Dorogoi Santa,

Before I tell you what I want for Christmas, permit me to tell you what I don’t want. Number one: I am sick and tired of being laughed at. Sure, I stole a few horses when I was young; and da, I could lose a little weight and learn how to spel. But enough is enough! Am I the leader or not? Who else wears ostrich-leather shoes? Who else stops traffic when he goes downtown? Who else has billboards all over Kyiv? Number two: I do not want to be photographed next to that little Medvedev. Number three: I do not want Putin to say, “Yo, Yanuk!” That is undignified. “Yo, Proffessor” would be more like it.

Now, here’s what I do want. I’ve been a good malchik. I always smile. I don’t drink Georgian wine. I love Christmas trees. So I think I have a right to ask you for:

·     Two helicopters: one to take me to work, one to take me home.
·     A rakish mustache, for when I hang out with Sarkozy and Berliozconi.
·     Smaller feet, for when I dance the rumba with Angelina Merkel.

You probably thought I’d ask for a successful presidency, right? Wrong! I used to think this job would be tough, but it’s not. I say jump, and they jump. I say make Ukraine rich, and they jump. I say make Ukraine powerful, and they jump. This ruling thing is, as we say in Donetsk, a lump of coal.

Your faithful servant, Viktor Yanukovych

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Dear Viktor,

I admire your self-confidence, but wonder whether it wouldn’t be wise to ask for something more practical. Remember, leaders also need to be loved. Are you?

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Obama loves me. Ludmila loves me. Viktor Junior loves me. Yushchenko loves me. And all Ukrainians love me. Well, except for Yulia and maybe a few scribblers. OK, small businessmen don’t like me. And stupid journalists don’t. And pensioners. And home owners. And, of course, stupid students. And maybe some miners. But I get your point, so let me ask you for one more thing: 99 percent popularity ratings.

With complete respect, Viktor

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Dear Viktor,

Would you settle for 19?

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Make it 59 and I’ll drop my request for facial hair.

Your servant, Viktor

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Dear Viktor,

I can’t work miracles, my dear boy. The most I can manage is 25.

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Could you throw in 10 percent economic growth?

Your servant forever, Viktor

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Dear Viktor,

I thought you didn’t want success. What made you change your mind?

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Me and Junior visited a coal mine yesterday. I gave a great speech — about prosperity being just around the corner. But the miners booed and their leader spoke of strikes. I said, “I love you!” He said, “Prove it.” I suggested he talk to my boys in the party. He said he’d rather inhale coal dust. Comrade Santa, what am I to do? I love miners, but I also love being Boss.  

Your humble servant, Viktor

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My dear boy,

You need new friends. I wouldn’t even hire those Regions guys as night watchmen. They’d mug my elves and steal the toys. By the way, how’s your hearing? The elves produced too many hearing aids this year. Would you like one?

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Can I turn it off whenever Akimova drones on about reform? I just had a brilliant idea, Santa! How would you like to be prime minister? Azarov could join your elf collective, and you and I could commute to work in your sleigh.

Your faithful servant, Viktor

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Dear Viktor,

Your offer is tempting, but I have to say no. I’m an eternal optimist, and I’d like to stay that way. But how about making Rudolph minister of education?

Yours, Santa

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Dorogoi Santa,

Sorry, I don’t speak German. But throw in a third helicopter, and I’ll forget the 10 percent economic growth thing.

Yours forever, Viktor


Alexander J Motyl



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